Eleventh Hour has learned that Ford will re-release the 1993 Ford Taurus for cash-strapped consumers. Psych.
Let’s hope that the auto industry–let alone the United States–turns things around. But this new video from The Onion, regarding the release of the 1993 Taurus for American consumers who can’t afford anything better is hilarious (and scary). Is this where the majority of our country is headed? Or is this where we already are?
Here’s to kicking off the weekend right with another video from The Onion. Think the NFL has problems with its players off the field? Well, you clearly do not follow professional fencing. Pacman Jones “making it rain” in the club is nothing compared to the international, multifaceted debauchery of fencing’s bad boy, Raphael De La Croix.
“Le Jaguar” is facing more years than Pacman, Plaxico and Vick, combined, if he doesn’t clean up his act. It really is unbelievable that a supposed “classy” league like the IFF would tolerate this crap. I mean, he’s just a fencer. It’s not like he should be able to get away with murder (or jewel heists) just because of his celebrity. Unbelievable. The IFF is becoming a league of hooligans and scoundrels.
Now, I know there are some blind naysayers out there who are in complete denial and don’t buy the stories. Look. You just have to ask yourself one question: “How many 6′1″ men with pencil mustaches can there be?”
Brian Laesch doesn’t understand why The Onion isn’t considered the funniest thing on the Internet (if it’s not).
Eleventh Hour is back after an entertaining weekend on the Westside. Below are some of the topics and stories causing enough of a stir that we felt you too should be in the know.
File this one under the category “Scary Cus It’s True.” The Onion never fails to offer a great, quick break from doing anything productive (not that I condone that type of behavior). I decided to share the viral buzz with all of you. (We have 100,000 readers a day now. Right, Matt?)
On the bright side, maybe knowing that your parents are now watching your every move online will help curb poor decisions that ultimately lead to an HR representative doing an unofficial background check and finding content similar to that on the Facebook page in this video. Hey, I had to tie it into Eleventh Hour somehow, right?
So take it from eMom, be careful on Facebook and Twitter. You never know who is watching.
By the way, did I mention that Eleventh Hour is on Twitter.
Brian Laesch wonders how many unofficial background checks have been performed on his name.
Eleventh Hour has learned about the billboard above drawing uber amounts of attention, thanks to PETA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal’s latest billboard campaign in Jacksonville, Florida depicts the backside shot of a midsection of an overweight woman in a bikini with the tag line, “Save the Whales. Lose the Blubber: Go Vegetarian. PETA.”
In a the press release, PETA stated:
“A new PETA billboard campaign that was just launched in Jacksonville reminds people who are struggling to lose weight — and who want to have enough energy to chase a beach ball — that going vegetarian can be an effective way to shed those extra pounds that keep them from looking good in a bikini.”
PETA is known for being ultra sensitive to any wrong doing of animals but wouldn’t this blillboard go along the same lines with the mistreatment of people? PETA’s attempt to defend the billboard was to highlight the connection between meat and obesity.
The Onion recently did a spoof on the PETA’s sexist tactics:
When Ashley Byrne, a senior campaigner for PETA was asked if the billboard campaign mocked overweight people or was sexist, Byrne stated,
“If the billboard is shocking, hopefully it will gets people’s attention, and help them improve quality of life for themselves and their families…. it’s designed to help people. Our goal is help overweight Jacksonville residents – the best way to do that is to go vegetarian. We’re not trying to insult anyone. [....] Vegetarians look and feel better than meat eaters. This is a life-saving message.”
Matt Suttner realizes ‘any press is good press’ but PETA’s lack of compassion for anything other than animals has pressed the American public to their limit.
There is no need to worry about the increasing national debt anymore. The U.S. Government has gone to plan B, and I think it may just work…if we can block all outbound television, radio, satellite and internet communications from our country. That should be easy. Right?
I’m sure it will be quite an adjustment with Octavius as leader, but we’ll manage. And it will be great for our economy. Sure, none of us will be “free” anymore, but hey, we’ll be debt-free. And isn’t that all the really matters? (Kidding.)
So China, Japan and the United Arab Emirates, you heard the man, “Do not even try to collect debts owed! A-ha-ha.”
Brian Laesch is a blogger for 11thr, and hopes that it takes Octavius’s regime a few years to reach the West.
What does it mean when a company goes green? You know, besides a marketing campaign?
Well, Taco Bell (according to The Onion, which means this is fake) has decided to go green by taking nothing from the environment for use in their products. That’s right, 100% unnatural food.
Zero environmental impact! Awesome! At this rate, we won’t be using the environment at all. It will be like we don’t even live here! You’re welcome, Earth.
And if you liked that idea, Taco Bell and other fast food counterparts have (not) released a new method for consuming their food: feedbags.
In recruiting-related fake news, more and more Americans are outsourcing their own jobs to India. Just ask Philadelphia-based Accountant Donald Felton, who is using the money he would have spent on coffee to outsource his work and release his full potential (watching YouTube Videos)… Not that there’s anything wrong with that. “Sometimes,” Mr. Felton will “look at it when it’s done.” But, “it’s usually right.”
That made the American workforce look really good! Oh, wait. Scratch that. Reverse it. It made us look horrible. Good thing it’s only satire…which is a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule, according to Dictionary.com, in case you were wondering.
In fake economical news, a mandatory nationwide recall of the U.S. dollar has been announced by the Treasury Department.
It seems that our money poses no threat at the moment, but was “printed with dye containing toxins that while completely safe at this moment, will become extremely deadly Friday at exactly 12 noon.” That’s in two hours. I gotta go. The rubber band on my money sack broke.
The Onion. Making us feel better about ourselves, and our reality (or worse), daily.
The latest from The Onion reminds us Californians of the upcoming annual wildfire "tradition" that seem to sweep a new area every spring. Hopefully, this is the first year we don’t have massive issues. Somehow, The Onion manages to point out the humorous side of tragedy, again:
On a serious note, you can visit the California Department of Forestry and Fire Prevention for more information. And, as always, you can give financial support through The American Red Cross or The Salvation Armyhere . Be prepared this spring. Let’s hope, in this case, there is a break in tradition.
Brian Laesch once landed at O’Hare International Airport, turned on his phone and received a text: "fires in the hills, headed your way." That was not a good feeling.
The day has come for Conan O’Brien’s final show tonight, ending a 16 year run as the Late Nighthost. Being that Conan is my favorite late night talk show host and in agreement with the rest of the Eleventh Hour’s fam (we took a show of hands this morning), We wanted to honor Conan for all the laughs he’s given us over the years.
With his first show in Los Angeles not taking place until June, we have plenty of time to hang on Hulu and revisit the archives of recent Late Night episodes for our viewing pleasure. But before we hit up Hulu, check out some of the funniest Conan moments to celebrate his run in New York.
March 2006. After joking about his uncanny resemblance to Finnish president Tarja Halonen, O’Brien finally travels to the Scandinavian country to come face to face with his doppelganger. The resulting show is one of the greatest — and weirdest — moments in the history of late-night TV.
April 2002. Conan’s visit to Martha Stewart’s Westport, Conn., compound (which he described as “something a Bond villain would have inside a volcano”) gives a chance for the comedian to run havoc in Martha’s perfectly organized studio. Who else could get the domestic diva to eat cheese whiz off her own hand?
January 2008. With the writers strike in full swing, a bearded O’Brien dons a glittery jacket and a cowboy hat for a full-band rendition of “Blue Moon” — all to prove that he can still put on a show without his usual staff of jokesters. As if we ever doubted him.
December 1998. An impromptu game of “Suck and Blow” results in a quick kiss between Conan and supermodel Rebecca Romijn. Realizing what he’s just done, Conan gives a triumphant fist-pump, throws his chair into the air, and then falls to the floor. Wouldn’t you?
October 2000. An apple-picking trip in upstate New York with Mr. T provides a solid five minutes of mind-bending hilarity. One highlight: Conan points out an apple with a bee in it, and Mr. T immediately swings into action, smashing it with his elbow and growling, “T one, bee zero.” We pity the bee that messes with Mr. T.
Matt Suttner will miss the East Coast Conan but is eager to see a taping here in LA of the new and improved West Coast Conan.
